One of those days

I often have these days where I cant stop missing my sister and the water works just come out...I woke up to a good day, so I thought. I started feeling alone again and just not important to the people that I thought I would most important too...I try and try again but it's as if my work is never good enough or that it doesn't ever compare to what others do. With my sister it was like she depended on me to do things for her and I always tried my best, though she got mad sometimes it never seemed like It wasn't good enough. I wish my sister was here with me now to comfort me and tell me that everything is okay and that I am strong girl....lol! I never realized what my sister was trying to tell me, I never knew it was her way of preparing me for what was to come. I just cant express how much I miss my sister... :,,,,,,,,,,,,( My life will never be the same.

Going through it all!

I haven't been on this for a loooong time, but I thought I would stick to the promise I made with my sister Janelle and keep blogging for our future generations! lol..I can't even explain what i've been through this past year..I don't think I've ever felt so unsure about my life or confused with what I want and need to do.

When my roller coaster really took a turn last fall, I started going to SLCC and loved it, it seemed more fun and easier than I thought it would. I was really determined about getting my work done and doing my workouts for volleyball that everything just seemed to make sense and there wasn't anything to worry or stress about. I was spending so much time with my sister Janelle because her husband Ron was at fall camp, so it was lots of junk food and dinner every night was pretty much MCDONALDS! lol..I cant tell you how close me and my sister got through those two weeks. Little did I know it would be the last two weeks I would laugh, cry, argue, or do anything with my sister.

I blogged about the car accident already in my last post, but It seems as if lifes ride has taken more of a toll on me lately. I didn't know how much my sister really cared for me like I was her own daughter, i didn't realize how much I took for granted when she was here to run and talk to about things, or listen to her yell at me for stupid things, oh how i miss her hearing voice. To watch her take a hundred pictures of herself and tell me how "HOTT" she looks, I can't express how much I miss seeing my sister and being able to wake up and she was just right across the hall. The things I wish I could show my sister and enjoy with her aren't the same as it would be if she were here. I felt my sister around me constantly after the car accident and as I was in the hospital but now that I have made certain decisions, I feel her drifting away.

Through out this past year I tried to find happiness in other things or people, but something always went wrong. I felt like I was doing things for the wrong reasons, or trying to find anything and everything that my sister was and did for me in other people. The more I tried to find comfort from my sister or to try and feel like I could, "be just like her"..the more I fell into depression. Talking to my family and friends always helped but it just didn't seem the same...it was always about going back to church, doing things that are right, not trying to get depressed....but It just wasn't things I needed or wanted to hear. I just didn't feel like going on anymore, life didn't make sense anymore, it wasn't important to me. No matter how hard i'd try to convince myself that nelle wouldn't want me to be like this, it never worked.

I started working at Hunter High School so I could try to get my mind right do things to keep me from being depressed, but once again...I started slipping up. I would call into work because I didn't want to get up, I would try to find any reason to stay home and soak in my sorrows but it was BAD!! I was going in a downward spiral fast...but if it wasn't for the love of my family and moses, I wouldn't have finished. During the spring semester I tried to back to school at SLCC and still work, while doing volleyball. I started feeling better and getting back to how it used to be but thoughts of Janelle picking me up and dropping me off just flashed back..instantly I wanted to give up. I made excuses for not wanting to do vo lleyball anymore, more excuses for not continuing school, then I went back to regular routine of being satisfied with NOTHING.

Moses and I got really close because he was still in school and we seen each other EVERYDAY. I felt like I could trust and depend him to be everything I needed him to be. I think I just threw him into being my EVERYTHING because the one person that I did everything with and ran to for advice or to just cry to, the person who took care of me and wanted nothing but the best for me, the one who made me feel LOVED and IMPORTANT was gone. I put a lot of pressure on Moses without even knowing and I couldn't thank him for sticking through it and never getting tired of me, but even sometimes I felt like I was too much for him. What I brought to the table was way more than I could handle alone and I didn't want to just throw it all on him...so I pushed him away.

I try not to be so reliable on other people because I hate the feeling of being let down, or feeling like what I do or try to do is not good enough. I think when my sister passed away I started feeling lonely and tried to find someone or something to make me feel important but It just left me unhappy with myself.

Well that's kind of an idea of what's been going on..plus my hands hurting! haha!

Til next time bloggers! :)

Missing Her So Much! :,(

It's hard to write this blog without crying every second just thinking of her and missing her at the same time! :,(

-Janelle Lula Tongaonevai-

Losing her was something that has changed the lives of many people, she was always a loving and caring person for anyone she came in contact with.September 1, 2011 around 4:00 pm, Janelle and I were getting ready for the big Utah Utes game! :) Earlier that day Janelle had done her regular routine of getting up and going to work at 8:10, that meant waking me up 10 hours early just to get my stuff ready for the game which was in another 8 and a half hours! That the was the type of person Janelle was, always ready for anything that came her way! :) She did her usual wake up call for me, which was blow drying her hair in my room while I was still sleeping...oh let me tell you how much I love and miss those wake up calls. :,( Well she got me up and we both got ready and were off to work and school. I got the usual 4 or 5 calls Janelle would blow my phone up with just to see how I was or what I was doing, and I can't forget her crazy texts she would send just to get under my skin.Lol! Around noon Janelle got off of work and like every other game she went shopping for a game day outfit! haha! :) I was FINALLY off school and once again Janelle is blowing up my phone because she was waiting for a couple minutes while I walked from my class all the way in AFRICA! lol! We finally got home and started getting all dressed up and fixing our hair, I can remember her constantly asking, does this outfit make me look fat? without anytime to reply, she hurry and said, NO I LOOK GOOD! :) We then left to the game and If you knew Janelle, she would yell at other drivers for something she had done wrong. lol! That day was different from any other, it was like something wasn't right. We got to the game and Janelle bought us some snacks and then she seen her "football wives"! lol..they were all talking about their husbands and the game and whatever else football wives talk about. I remember running into the bathroom for like 4 seconds to HURRY UP and take our pic for someone came in! hahah...that's my sister for ya! Finally we sat down and watched the football game and all I could hear was the WHOLE conversation of Janelle and her friend Melvina. lol! Time to go home and EAT! haha...we met Ron outside and just talked to him for a little and once again Janelle was having a photoshoot with her football wives...lol! We all started walking to the car and saying our goodbyes to Ron's brother Cory and sister-in-law Janaan. :) Ron in his Red Rider ahead and us following behind in the gray car. As we started to get closer to West Valley I started to get emotional and cried to Janelle about my problems and she just comforted me and told me stories of her and Ron and I just felt at ease and then suddenly I blacked out. Little did I know that would be the last time I sat in the car with my sister, the last time i would get to talk with her, the last time I would see her beautiful face, the last time I would tell her I LOVE YOU NELLE! :,,,,( By the tender mercies of our lord and savior Jesus Christ, I did not feel an ounce of pain and neither did my beloved sister Janelle. I was not aware that we had got in a bad car accident, I can only remember waking up in the hospital and seeing my family surrounding me, each and everyone hugged me with tears in their eyes and quietly whispered, I LOVE YOU JAZ! :,( I wondered where my sister was, why she didn't come visit me or why she wasn't coming in to sit with me, but finally my family told me that my sister passed away.....

All I could feel was pain in my heart and the absence of my dearly beloved sister, I cried so much wishing she would walk from behind the curtains or call and say sorry im running late, but she didn't. ;,( Janelle had such a Beautiful spirit that the lord needed her more than we did. I can tell you that my testimony has be strengthened so much. I cry constantly about me and my sister's MANY memories together! :,) Everyone tells me all the time that she is always with me but in my own selfish thinking I literally want my sister here talking to me face to face or yelling at me about not listening. I truly miss my sister and even when I have those selfish times I know without a doubt in my heart that through this wonderful gospel, I WILL SEE JANELLE AGAIN as well as our other loved ones. My sister was truly, MY HERO! She saved me from the horrible things and people in life, took care of me like I was her daughter, taught me the importance of family. She never wanted me to fail so taught me through her own mistakes. She always prepared me for everything that came way, whether it was School, Sports, Friends, Family, and Church. The biggest thing my sister prepared me for was the day she was called home. I always depended on my sister for EVERYTHING, but now that she is gone I have try to become more like her. Through this life changing times, I am at ease to know that my sister is in Heaven with our lord and savior Jesus Christ smiling down on us. :)

I LOVE AND MISS YOU JANELLE LULA TONGAONEVAI! :,)