One of those days

I often have these days where I cant stop missing my sister and the water works just come out...I woke up to a good day, so I thought. I started feeling alone again and just not important to the people that I thought I would most important too...I try and try again but it's as if my work is never good enough or that it doesn't ever compare to what others do. With my sister it was like she depended on me to do things for her and I always tried my best, though she got mad sometimes it never seemed like It wasn't good enough. I wish my sister was here with me now to comfort me and tell me that everything is okay and that I am strong girl....lol! I never realized what my sister was trying to tell me, I never knew it was her way of preparing me for what was to come. I just cant express how much I miss my sister... :,,,,,,,,,,,,( My life will never be the same.

Going through it all!

I haven't been on this for a loooong time, but I thought I would stick to the promise I made with my sister Janelle and keep blogging for our future generations! lol..I can't even explain what i've been through this past year..I don't think I've ever felt so unsure about my life or confused with what I want and need to do.

When my roller coaster really took a turn last fall, I started going to SLCC and loved it, it seemed more fun and easier than I thought it would. I was really determined about getting my work done and doing my workouts for volleyball that everything just seemed to make sense and there wasn't anything to worry or stress about. I was spending so much time with my sister Janelle because her husband Ron was at fall camp, so it was lots of junk food and dinner every night was pretty much MCDONALDS! lol..I cant tell you how close me and my sister got through those two weeks. Little did I know it would be the last two weeks I would laugh, cry, argue, or do anything with my sister.

I blogged about the car accident already in my last post, but It seems as if lifes ride has taken more of a toll on me lately. I didn't know how much my sister really cared for me like I was her own daughter, i didn't realize how much I took for granted when she was here to run and talk to about things, or listen to her yell at me for stupid things, oh how i miss her hearing voice. To watch her take a hundred pictures of herself and tell me how "HOTT" she looks, I can't express how much I miss seeing my sister and being able to wake up and she was just right across the hall. The things I wish I could show my sister and enjoy with her aren't the same as it would be if she were here. I felt my sister around me constantly after the car accident and as I was in the hospital but now that I have made certain decisions, I feel her drifting away.

Through out this past year I tried to find happiness in other things or people, but something always went wrong. I felt like I was doing things for the wrong reasons, or trying to find anything and everything that my sister was and did for me in other people. The more I tried to find comfort from my sister or to try and feel like I could, "be just like her"..the more I fell into depression. Talking to my family and friends always helped but it just didn't seem the same...it was always about going back to church, doing things that are right, not trying to get depressed....but It just wasn't things I needed or wanted to hear. I just didn't feel like going on anymore, life didn't make sense anymore, it wasn't important to me. No matter how hard i'd try to convince myself that nelle wouldn't want me to be like this, it never worked.

I started working at Hunter High School so I could try to get my mind right do things to keep me from being depressed, but once again...I started slipping up. I would call into work because I didn't want to get up, I would try to find any reason to stay home and soak in my sorrows but it was BAD!! I was going in a downward spiral fast...but if it wasn't for the love of my family and moses, I wouldn't have finished. During the spring semester I tried to back to school at SLCC and still work, while doing volleyball. I started feeling better and getting back to how it used to be but thoughts of Janelle picking me up and dropping me off just flashed back..instantly I wanted to give up. I made excuses for not wanting to do vo lleyball anymore, more excuses for not continuing school, then I went back to regular routine of being satisfied with NOTHING.

Moses and I got really close because he was still in school and we seen each other EVERYDAY. I felt like I could trust and depend him to be everything I needed him to be. I think I just threw him into being my EVERYTHING because the one person that I did everything with and ran to for advice or to just cry to, the person who took care of me and wanted nothing but the best for me, the one who made me feel LOVED and IMPORTANT was gone. I put a lot of pressure on Moses without even knowing and I couldn't thank him for sticking through it and never getting tired of me, but even sometimes I felt like I was too much for him. What I brought to the table was way more than I could handle alone and I didn't want to just throw it all on him...so I pushed him away.

I try not to be so reliable on other people because I hate the feeling of being let down, or feeling like what I do or try to do is not good enough. I think when my sister passed away I started feeling lonely and tried to find someone or something to make me feel important but It just left me unhappy with myself.

Well that's kind of an idea of what's been going on..plus my hands hurting! haha!

Til next time bloggers! :)